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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Heartbeat


All alone, I sit in my room
And I just lay there
Isolated
With each beat of my heart
I recall all the times I wasn't alone
Days on the beach with my best friends
Movie dates with him
Dinner with my family
With each memory 
A painful sadness knocks at my heart's door
Knock knock
Knock knock
Knock knock
Fights
Separation 
Yelling
Shouting, madness, pain, tears, screams
All alone I sit in my room
And I just lay there
With each beat of my heart
I die just a little inside

Questions Pacing Back and Forth Through a Mother's Head


Why won't she come home?
Why won't she talk to me?
Who is she becoming?
What is she hiding from me?
Why do we have to fight?
Why did I have to yell?
Who is comforting her right now?
What have we become?
Why am I such a bad parent?
Is it my fault she is this way?
Why does she shut me out?

Where does she go when she walks out?

All Lonesome


Voices all around me
They surround me like a blanket
People all around me
No room to breathe
Laughter all around me
I'm not in on the joke
Smiles all around me
A frown rests on my face
Happiness all around me
A pain finds its home in my heart
People all around me
Yet I am so alone

Macey and Mommy, but Not Daddy

Macey just listened to the water's slow stream trickle by her.  It was dark enough outside that she couldn't see but she could hear, I guess it was better that way.  Sitting on a rock near the river and listening to the not so spring water stream by her, Macey recalled the time her and her mom went to the bank.  That was the day that Mommy was so stressed, and she couldn't stop turning around to check for her shadow.  

"Mommy, what's wrong?" Macey questioned with the soft tone of a mouse.
"Nothing, baby.  We are just going on a little...vacation," Mommy replied, checking behind her once again.  Macey could see a bruise below her eye, along with a cat scratch along her hairline.  

"Where's Daddy?"  Mommy's eyes got wide and she forgot to breathe for a second, but Macey was too young to notice.

"He can't come, he ha-has to work and we won't be seeing Daddy for awhile" 

"Oh. Okay, Mommy" Macey said with a frown.  If only she knew what Daddy was capable of.  The banker handed Mommy the money, three thousand dollars, and they were out of there faster than a bolt of lightning.  

Crunching leaves and sticks behind Macey pulled her back to reality.  

"Why would you lie to me?" Macey questions.  She hopes that Mom doesn't notice the wavering embedded in her voice.

"You were too young to understand"  Mom says near tears.

"I thought you were stealing me away from him.  You should have told me!"  

Mom's words are faint, "Oh...you're right.  I should have told you.  I just didn't want you to grow up, knowing that the one man that you could trust, was also the only man you had to fear..."

Taking Death's Cold, Cold Hand as He Leads You to Immortality


Death.  The act of dying, the end of the line.  Some people choose to accept the fact that it's the end of the line.  They might even welcome Death.  While some people refuse to belly up to the fact that there is no more.  No more time to rewrite the past, no way to mortality.  Whether you are going to accept Death or refuse the fact that there is no more, Death welcomes you as a guest.  A permanent guest.  He rises you up from your bump in the ground and he takes you for a ride that lasts an eternity.  You see, Death has a persistent will to make sure you stay with him...forever.  Whether you choose to accept his hand into the carriage or not is not my problem.  

"Because I could not stop for Death" is a poem by Emily Dickinson that describes her rather accepting encounter with Death.  The poem reads, "Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me".  When Death wants to take you, he does, and it doesn't matter if you  are busy or unready.  He will take you when he feels it's your time.  The poem proceeds to read, "The carriage held but just ourselves, and Immortality" .  It's a ride with Death for one, and let's just say that this ride is going to last a long, long time.  The beginning of the second stanza reads, "We slowly drove, he knew no haste".  Why does Death have to rush?  He knows not of running out of time, for he has Eternity on his side.  From there female unknown says, "And I had put away my labor, my leisure too, for his civility".  She put away all of her distracting thoughts so she could just enjoy the ride with Death.  The ride that she will never step out of the carriage from.

In the third stanza, she "passed the school, where children strove at recess, in the ring"  Death is kind enough to drive the carriage by a school.  There, children play as they do, and maybe they weren't just any old school.  Maybe Death took her by her school; he took her for a ride by her own life as a sick joke.  People say that after you die, your brain still has seven minutes to go over all your important memories in your life, almost as if your life flashes before your eyes.  It could be like the same thing; dear old Death is taking her for a ride through her previous life.  What a kind soul he is.   The poem continues to read, "We passed the fields of grazing grain, we passed the setting sun, or rather he passed us".  They didn't pass the lovely scenery, because once you are dead, don't you become part of the scenery?  Your soul pants a seed in the grazing grain, with the other seeds and you go down with the setting sun.  The only thing is you won't be rising with the sun ever again.  Female unknown describes how "The dews grew quivering and chill, for only gossamer my gown, my tippet only tulle".  The major tell tale  sign for when someone is dead is if they are cold.  It also seems that she isn't dressed appropriately for her ride:a gossamer and tippet?  Fine pieces of clothing she has on, maybe for a wedding or even a funeral.  Maybeher funeral.

The fifth stanza describes how she "paused before a house that seemed a swelling in the ground; the roof scarcely visible, the cornice but a mound".  A house that seemed but a swelling in the ground, with a cornice in the ground, which is also known a gravestone.  I feel like that swelling in the ground is a freshly dug and buried grave.  She implies, "Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each feels shorter than the day".  She has been along for the ride for awhile now.  But what is 'awhile'?  To Death, Eternity is just a mere span of time, but days can be considered awhile to the mortal.  Finally, the poem announces, "I first surmised the horses' heads were towards Eternity".  It feels like like centuries are shorter than twenty four hours.  Well that, my dear, is because hours, days, years, eternities are like seconds compared to Eternity.

Death.  No more time to rewrite the past, no way to mortality.  At first, Death welcomed her, and she unknowingly took Death's hand as he lead her into the carriage.  Soon after, female unknown realized that there is no escape from this ride with Death, but she accepted the fact that her time ran out.  There was nothing that she could change, and she just sat back and enjoyed her ride through Eternity.

a single white crayon



I am a white crayon
I am always here
But no one bothers to use me
I am different
But everyone wants me to be normal
I am surrounded by colors
But I am so plain
So alone
I am looked at often 
But just a waste of space
I am coloring
But no one can see what I have to say
I am a white crayon
Pointless

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Finally at Peace



Rest your eyes my dear, it's all okay now
Rest your eyes my dear, for all your troubles are gone
Rest your eyes my dear, no one can hurt you anymore
Rest your eyes my dear, there are no more tears
Rest your eyes my dear, all your worries are gone with the wind
Rest your eyes my dear, it's time to sleep
Rest your eyes my dear, for you walk on Dead Man's Path now.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

stepping out into a forewarned storm


sorry mom and dad for all the confusion
sorry heart for all those illusions
sorry friends for all the years
sorry pillow for all the tears
sorry boy for all the stress
sorry me, for I got myself into this mess